ICEBAG

 I feel like the big titanic, 

with no apparent need to panic,

Standing mighty, tall and strong

like nothing would ever go wrong

but there is a lot that it wrong in me, with me and for me:

I've hit a damn ice bag. 

Newsflash:

Right now I'm the mighty titanic that has hit an ice bag. I am perfectly fine on the outside and yet on the inside, at the very base and core of my being the water just keeps filling and filling from all the blows these Ls are throwing at me. I can feel the water gushing in and weighing me down with every additional rush, I can feel the pressure rising and foundations shaking but I am alright. I am fine. I still have the smile on my face, broad and bright. I still have the will to get on with life and keep moving towards better but in all honesty it isn't the same, its all just too heavy right now. On the outside I am fine and smiley but deep down I know its only a matter of time before the weight of the water takes me down and drown me. 

I am like a ticking bomb, counting hours until my foundations let go and give in, counting hours until I let go and succumb to the weight I bear day after day with a smile plastered on my face, hiding my pain, tears and anxiety. I breakdown on my pillow night after night but it never goes away; the pain of betrayal, the sting of losing and having nothing but an almost. Working and toiling hard only to get an ALMOST. 

I wanted more, so much more but I only got dealt a big share of pain. I wanted more for us, I wanted more for my career and even more for my family but hey I just keep getting losses after losses and I try to keep it together every time but I'm running out of yarn to stitch together the pieces every time I fall apart.

I need a safe harbour.

I am so alone. So secluded and excluded from everyone and what I really need right now is a shoulder to cry on and just let it all out. I need arms to pull me into a big hug and mend this brokenness, I need a healer and a companion. I need a lifeboat to jump into before this mighty titanic face I keep pulling up sinks and goes down with me.

 I just want to be fine again.