To the lover I'm yet to find

You know, I grew up surrounded by women, strong women, single mothers who have walked the walk and got dealt a great share of pain. I grew up surrounded by strong willed women who once loved and have been hurt, but got up still to fend for their kids- for me- for us... 

I grew up with these queens and they have taught me a thousand things all of them good as far as I know except for one- they taught me to be sooo strong and self sufficient such that a man is a threat to my peace of mind and a hinderance to my success. 

They taught me that I don't need a man, sometimes verbally and sometimes their actions told me, their relentless struggle taught me that I can do it for myself and by myself...but to tell you something; I don't want to do it on my own, I know I can, but I don't want to, because I'm in love with you and I want to be with you, to do things with you, make plans with you and share my life with you. 

I've never lived with both my parents in the same house so Ii don't know how lovers work that out, all I know is a woman is both parents to her kids and they answer to her, its her way or no way so pardon me if I'll occasionally want to have things my way, Its all I know but I'm willing to learn and let you be the man. I want to make this work just like God's word meant for it to be, you know, let you be the head of the family and I be your helper.

 I don't know how to let a man help me, I don't know how to involve him in my plans, I don't know how to ask for anything from him or anyone else for that matter, I just know that if I want something Ii work for it and find a way to make it on my own. I was taught to be self sufficient. I was taught to never beg but to get up and secure the bag. I was taught how to be smart, how to work hard, how to love myself, how to fend and provide, I was raised to be a man and a woman in one like all those women I've grown up surrounded by. I was taught to be everything I need. 

 I was never taught how to let a man in and to compromise with him, and now there's this voice in my head telling me you are an enemy because you are a man, and it's wrong for me to love you this much and want to share my life with you. There's this voice telling me that you are only here to bring me down, to hurt me and make sure I don't achieve my dreams. There's this sky high wall around me "protecting" me from you, like you're an antibody to my immune system. 

So if I ever ask you a 1001 times if you love me, please don't ever get tired of saying it, please don't get tired of showing me how much you want me, don't ever get tired of convincing me you need me because in my head I already have a thousand reasons why you're not good for me and don't even love me anyway. So don't get tired because sometimes these voices scream louder than my heart and I need that reassurance from you to silence them and let my amour fall down because loving you shouldn't be a war...

And it is a daily war against myself and all my values and the teachings instilled in me. ..and to be honest they don't  mean much to me but you do, so if you really do love me please say it as many times as you want to, prove it as much as you feel you need to and don't ever get tired. Please pull me back to you when I drift and fade, pull me out of my shell when it tends to engulf me, peel down my walls when I bury myself in too deep in them and call me back to you when I run. I want to be with you, to be the strong woman I was raised to be not on my own or with anyone else but with you

So my love, please do not get tired of reassuring me. Love me, that's all I ask for

at the same time watch your tone because I don't take shit from nobody